Articles
KEIRA'S LAW
In February 2024, experts identified Intimate Partner Violence as an epidemic across Canada. As gender-based violence and intimate partner violence continue to rise, women and children remain the primary victims. Domestic violence includes physical, emotional, mental, psychological, sexual, and economic abuse, and it often stems from power imbalances and societal norms that perpetuate gender inequality.
For centuries, women have faced unequal treatment and violence, and we are often advised by legal counsel not to mention domestic violence in court. Today, women are fighting to regain their equality under the law. The experiences of intimate partner violence and abuse of women and children have been belittled and dismissed in the family court and the judicial system, which has often been referred to as an “old boys club,” resistant to change and new legislation. Women need to understand that family courts are continuing to do more harm than good in the interest of the children. While there are professional development courses training judges on the interactive components of domestic violence and abuse, these courses are voluntary and thus not a beneficial factor for women and children.
In honor of 4-year-old Keira Kagan, a victim of domestic violence who lost her life at the hands of her abusive father, "Keira's Law" received Royal Assent on April 27, 2023, mandating judges to have domestic violence and coercive control training. Unfortunately, some provincial judges in Alberta have been resistant to new legislation that has the potential to protect children from abuse and save lives.
We all play a critical role in raising our voices to counter the silence that cages victims.
In February 2024, experts identified Intimate Partner Violence as an epidemic across Canada. As gender-based violence and intimate partner violence continue to rise, women and children remain the primary victims. Domestic violence includes physical, emotional, mental, psychological, sexual, and economic abuse, and it often stems from power imbalances and societal norms that perpetuate gender inequality.
For centuries, women have faced unequal treatment and violence, and we are often advised by legal counsel not to mention domestic violence in court. Today, women are fighting to regain their equality under the law. The experiences of intimate partner violence and abuse of women and children have been belittled and dismissed in the family court and the judicial system, which has often been referred to as an “old boys club,” resistant to change and new legislation. Women need to understand that family courts are continuing to do more harm than good in the interest of the children. While there are professional development courses training judges on the interactive components of domestic violence and abuse, these courses are voluntary and thus not a beneficial factor for women and children.
In honor of 4-year-old Keira Kagan, a victim of domestic violence who lost her life at the hands of her abusive father, "Keira's Law" received Royal Assent on April 27, 2023, mandating judges to have domestic violence and coercive control training. Unfortunately, some provincial judges in Alberta have been resistant to new legislation that has the potential to protect children from abuse and save lives.
We all play a critical role in raising our voices to counter the silence that cages victims.
Books |
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Children of Coercive Control by Evan Stark
Children of Coercive Control discusses how abusers harm children as part of their efforts to control their female partners.
1. Abusers isolate and control children as a way to control their adult partners. Sometimes it is the primary way. Abusers intentionally “destroy” children to dominate their mothers. Stark describes this mistreatment of children as a “staged performance” directed toward the primary victim, his partner.
2. Intimidation and fear-based discipline form part of a campaign to induce terror and reduce a child’s courage and confidence. The ultimate goal is to control the mother. Stark writes, “Intimidation runs throughout coercive control. Only fear makes it seem rational for children to say “yes” when they mean “no,” to remain silent when it is time to speak and to give up what is rightfully theirs.”
3. Abusers intentionally terrorize their partners in front of the children, to make children see their mothers as weak. This is a deliberate attempt to fracture the mother-child relationship.
4. In a family with coercive control, authorities should consider the abuse victim and children’s interests together; they are inextricably linked.
5. Infants and preschoolers are a “special case.” Domestic abuse of a mother produces stress-induced fear in young children. Coercive control threatens young children’s emotional security. Their distress will often show up as disturbed moods, sleep and eating problems, and difficulties interacting with peers and adults. These disturbances are how young children reveal that something is very wrong in their world. Sometimes symptoms do not appear right away; Stark refers to this as the “sleeper effect.”
6. Children are actively engaged in coping with the coercive control of their moms, even when they appear to be “doing fine.” Stark writes that children interpret, predict and assess “episodes” at home. They wonder if they have caused the problems. Children worry. Even young children take steps to protect themselves, their siblings and their mothers. This is exhausting work for a child or teen. The weight of coping with coercive control interferes with children’s learning and play.
7. Children are at high risk when the abuser coercively controls and threatens his partner (or ex-partner). This is true even when the abuser has never before targeted the children directly. The abuser may have no negative feelings toward the children. He may harm or even kill them to show his (ex)partner what he is capable of doing.
8. Post-separation, abusers harass and stalk their children to demonstrate their total power. They violate boundaries—whether boundaries have been imposed by their exes, their children or even the courts. This terrorizes children. Stark provides the example of an abusive father with a protective order against him suddenly appearing at his child’s school performance, knowing full well that this violates a court order and is against his child’s wishes. The abuser is essentially daring his victims to call the police and “create a scene.”
9. Chaotic abuser behavior terrorizes children. Some abusers create continuous turmoil. Substance abuse or mental illness may make the chaos worse but are not the cause. On any given day, the children do not know what mood the abuser will be in, what will set him off, if it is safe to go home, to laugh, to eat, etc. To outsiders, this way of living can seem messy. But to children, it is terrorizing. Stark writes that abusers create havoc according to a “criminal logic” that benefits them personally.
10. “Children can thrive only when women are safe, equal, and free.” Stark emphasizes that coercive control domestic abuse is a crime against a person’s liberty. And most primary victims are women. Involved children always suffer as well. His book emphasizes that societies can only protect children by supporting and protecting women’s rights.
Website: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/children-and-domestic-violence/10-important-takeaways-from-children-of-coercive-control
Children of Coercive Control discusses how abusers harm children as part of their efforts to control their female partners.
1. Abusers isolate and control children as a way to control their adult partners. Sometimes it is the primary way. Abusers intentionally “destroy” children to dominate their mothers. Stark describes this mistreatment of children as a “staged performance” directed toward the primary victim, his partner.
2. Intimidation and fear-based discipline form part of a campaign to induce terror and reduce a child’s courage and confidence. The ultimate goal is to control the mother. Stark writes, “Intimidation runs throughout coercive control. Only fear makes it seem rational for children to say “yes” when they mean “no,” to remain silent when it is time to speak and to give up what is rightfully theirs.”
3. Abusers intentionally terrorize their partners in front of the children, to make children see their mothers as weak. This is a deliberate attempt to fracture the mother-child relationship.
4. In a family with coercive control, authorities should consider the abuse victim and children’s interests together; they are inextricably linked.
5. Infants and preschoolers are a “special case.” Domestic abuse of a mother produces stress-induced fear in young children. Coercive control threatens young children’s emotional security. Their distress will often show up as disturbed moods, sleep and eating problems, and difficulties interacting with peers and adults. These disturbances are how young children reveal that something is very wrong in their world. Sometimes symptoms do not appear right away; Stark refers to this as the “sleeper effect.”
6. Children are actively engaged in coping with the coercive control of their moms, even when they appear to be “doing fine.” Stark writes that children interpret, predict and assess “episodes” at home. They wonder if they have caused the problems. Children worry. Even young children take steps to protect themselves, their siblings and their mothers. This is exhausting work for a child or teen. The weight of coping with coercive control interferes with children’s learning and play.
7. Children are at high risk when the abuser coercively controls and threatens his partner (or ex-partner). This is true even when the abuser has never before targeted the children directly. The abuser may have no negative feelings toward the children. He may harm or even kill them to show his (ex)partner what he is capable of doing.
8. Post-separation, abusers harass and stalk their children to demonstrate their total power. They violate boundaries—whether boundaries have been imposed by their exes, their children or even the courts. This terrorizes children. Stark provides the example of an abusive father with a protective order against him suddenly appearing at his child’s school performance, knowing full well that this violates a court order and is against his child’s wishes. The abuser is essentially daring his victims to call the police and “create a scene.”
9. Chaotic abuser behavior terrorizes children. Some abusers create continuous turmoil. Substance abuse or mental illness may make the chaos worse but are not the cause. On any given day, the children do not know what mood the abuser will be in, what will set him off, if it is safe to go home, to laugh, to eat, etc. To outsiders, this way of living can seem messy. But to children, it is terrorizing. Stark writes that abusers create havoc according to a “criminal logic” that benefits them personally.
10. “Children can thrive only when women are safe, equal, and free.” Stark emphasizes that coercive control domestic abuse is a crime against a person’s liberty. And most primary victims are women. Involved children always suffer as well. His book emphasizes that societies can only protect children by supporting and protecting women’s rights.
Website: https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/children-and-domestic-violence/10-important-takeaways-from-children-of-coercive-control
What is Coercive Control?
According to "Coercive Control How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life" by Evan Stark, Coercive Control is often psychologically devastating. Coercive Control shares general elements with other crimes such as kidnapping, stalking, and harassment, including the fact that it is ongoing and perpetrators use various means to hurt, humiliate, intimidate, exploit, isolate, and dominate their victims.
In addition, 'the use of children' or "child abuse" and the ability to monopolize a person's capacities for self-direction in ways that extend from basic decision-making such as work, sex, place of residence, travel, childbirth, and sex, to sleep, eating, and other everyday activities through a combination of force, threat, exploitation and stealth.
"Cognitive psychologists in the late 1970's and 1980's tried to capture what these women were experiencing by comparing it to "coercive persuasion," brainwashing, and other tactics used with hostages, prisoners of war, kidnap victims..."
"Coercive Control accounts for 50% to 80% of all help-seeking by abused women and that the majority of these victims had been subjected to multiple control tactics, amongst which the denial of money, the monitoring of time, and restricted mobility and communication are prominent."
"There is no quick fix for coercive control, but this book offers a partial fix: new law and a mass campaign that highlights women's rights in personal life..."
According to "Coercive Control How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life" by Evan Stark, Coercive Control is often psychologically devastating. Coercive Control shares general elements with other crimes such as kidnapping, stalking, and harassment, including the fact that it is ongoing and perpetrators use various means to hurt, humiliate, intimidate, exploit, isolate, and dominate their victims.
In addition, 'the use of children' or "child abuse" and the ability to monopolize a person's capacities for self-direction in ways that extend from basic decision-making such as work, sex, place of residence, travel, childbirth, and sex, to sleep, eating, and other everyday activities through a combination of force, threat, exploitation and stealth.
"Cognitive psychologists in the late 1970's and 1980's tried to capture what these women were experiencing by comparing it to "coercive persuasion," brainwashing, and other tactics used with hostages, prisoners of war, kidnap victims..."
"Coercive Control accounts for 50% to 80% of all help-seeking by abused women and that the majority of these victims had been subjected to multiple control tactics, amongst which the denial of money, the monitoring of time, and restricted mobility and communication are prominent."
"There is no quick fix for coercive control, but this book offers a partial fix: new law and a mass campaign that highlights women's rights in personal life..."
When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse
Written by a therapist who specializes in abusive men, this guide reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children—and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse.
Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother?
Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Whether it’s physical or “just” emotional abuse, whether it’s aimed at them or you, whether they see or hear it, your kids need you.
This book, the first ever of its kind, shows mothers how
• Protect children and help them heal emotionally
• Provide love, support, and positive role models, even in the midst of abuse
• Increase their chances of winning custody
• Help their kids feel good about themselves
“A must-read for every mother who has been abused...it offers the knowledge women need to protect their children and help them heal.”—William S. Pollack, Ph.D., author of the national bestseller Real Boys
Written by a therapist who specializes in abusive men, this guide reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children—and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse.
Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother?
Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Whether it’s physical or “just” emotional abuse, whether it’s aimed at them or you, whether they see or hear it, your kids need you.
This book, the first ever of its kind, shows mothers how
• Protect children and help them heal emotionally
• Provide love, support, and positive role models, even in the midst of abuse
• Increase their chances of winning custody
• Help their kids feel good about themselves
“A must-read for every mother who has been abused...it offers the knowledge women need to protect their children and help them heal.”—William S. Pollack, Ph.D., author of the national bestseller Real Boys
Effects of Abuse |
How Trauma Affects the Brain
People who have experienced domestic violence develop neurological ways to keep them safe by reacting to situations in different ways. Those who experience trauma, such as domestic violence, abuse or other types of violence are more at risk for developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex-PTSD.
There are 3 specific areas of the brain that are impacted by traumatic events: the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala & the hippocampus.
1. The amygdala helps control emotions, survival instincts, and memory. It’s responsible for our “fight or flight” response, which is a process that encourages a person to get away from people, places or events which might cause them harm.
2. People who have experienced traumatic events may have a smaller hippocampus than those who haven’t, as brain scans have shown that the hippocampus has decreased function in people with PTSD when exposed to something that re-triggers their trauma. Hormones are released when someone experiences frequent, high levels of stress, which can destroy cells in the hippocampus.This may affect a person’s ability to form memories, but they may still have vivid memories of their trauma. This can cause feelings of extreme panic and fear.
3. In people who have experienced trauma, the prefrontal cortex will have a hard time regulating fear, along with other strong emotions. This can lead to frequent feelings of panic and anxiety, as well as dysfunctional reactions to situations that are not harmful, or irrational fear. Overcoming these irrational fears may be very difficult for a trauma victim.
Read more: https://dvnconnect.org/how-trauma-impacts-the-brain/
People who have experienced domestic violence develop neurological ways to keep them safe by reacting to situations in different ways. Those who experience trauma, such as domestic violence, abuse or other types of violence are more at risk for developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex-PTSD.
There are 3 specific areas of the brain that are impacted by traumatic events: the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala & the hippocampus.
1. The amygdala helps control emotions, survival instincts, and memory. It’s responsible for our “fight or flight” response, which is a process that encourages a person to get away from people, places or events which might cause them harm.
2. People who have experienced traumatic events may have a smaller hippocampus than those who haven’t, as brain scans have shown that the hippocampus has decreased function in people with PTSD when exposed to something that re-triggers their trauma. Hormones are released when someone experiences frequent, high levels of stress, which can destroy cells in the hippocampus.This may affect a person’s ability to form memories, but they may still have vivid memories of their trauma. This can cause feelings of extreme panic and fear.
3. In people who have experienced trauma, the prefrontal cortex will have a hard time regulating fear, along with other strong emotions. This can lead to frequent feelings of panic and anxiety, as well as dysfunctional reactions to situations that are not harmful, or irrational fear. Overcoming these irrational fears may be very difficult for a trauma victim.
Read more: https://dvnconnect.org/how-trauma-impacts-the-brain/
Learned Helplessness
Learned helplessness occurs when a person who has experienced repeated challenges comes to believe they have no control over their situation. They then give up trying to make changes and accept their fate.
In animals, learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action.
While the concept is strongly tied to animal psychology and behavior, it can also apply to many situations involving human beings. When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change.
For example, poor performance at work or at school, even after putting in a lot of effort, can lead to feelings of learned helpless. People may be left feeling that no matter what they do or how hard they work, nothing will make a difference.
The truth about covert abuse relationships is the abuser makes YOU feel like you’re going crazy.
They use manipulation and gaslighting tactics to blame you for everything and avoid any kind of accountability.
Since COVID, there has been a significant increase in recognizing this covert abuse and it needs to be talked about. #breakthesilence
Yes he makes you cry sometimes, but there are really good times too.
Sometimes he can be scary, but he loves you so much.
He can be violent on occasion, but it’s only because you upset him.
He can make you feel worthless but he’s so charming.
You’ve thought about leaving, but he knows all the right things to win you back.
It’s all going to be okay, right?
He wouldn’t actually do anything, right?
Right?
Learned helplessness occurs when a person who has experienced repeated challenges comes to believe they have no control over their situation. They then give up trying to make changes and accept their fate.
In animals, learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action.
While the concept is strongly tied to animal psychology and behavior, it can also apply to many situations involving human beings. When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change.
For example, poor performance at work or at school, even after putting in a lot of effort, can lead to feelings of learned helpless. People may be left feeling that no matter what they do or how hard they work, nothing will make a difference.
The truth about covert abuse relationships is the abuser makes YOU feel like you’re going crazy.
They use manipulation and gaslighting tactics to blame you for everything and avoid any kind of accountability.
Since COVID, there has been a significant increase in recognizing this covert abuse and it needs to be talked about. #breakthesilence
Yes he makes you cry sometimes, but there are really good times too.
Sometimes he can be scary, but he loves you so much.
He can be violent on occasion, but it’s only because you upset him.
He can make you feel worthless but he’s so charming.
You’ve thought about leaving, but he knows all the right things to win you back.
It’s all going to be okay, right?
He wouldn’t actually do anything, right?
Right?
Gabby Petito (American Murder: Gabby Petito) and Shanann Watts (American Murder: The Family Next Door) were tragically murdered by their abusers. #BreakTheSilence RIP |
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